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wish i may
i might
make a wish upon a star tonight..
email.
me.
i'm brooke. a short, fatish, bisexual, feminist, pacifist, very-liberal activist. i have 4 cats. and 2 computers, 2 kayaks, 1 masters degree, multiple backpacks, and way too many books.
i live in the most beautiful eugene, oregon. i'm currently disabled due to treatment resistant severe depression. i've been blogging since election day of 2000.
i'm born and raised in the mountains of southwestern virginia. i could join the daughters of the american revolution, i don't think they'd like me cause i hear they like to throw tea parties instead of rallies and revolutions.
links.
lane co. bill of rights defense committee (lcbordc) ~
bill of rights defense committee ~
chel ~
lisa ~
carrie ~
cinnamon
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Thursday, April 21
tst
posted by brooke at 12:59 AM
(1) comments
Sunday, September 7
thoughts asunder has moved back to its original home.......
posted by brooke at 9:35 PM
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it feels like its been a much longer day than it actually has been.
i've been thinking a lot about the work that i do with the lcbordc. i've had this familiar feeling for awhile about it, but it wasn't until the last couple of days that i have been able to peg it down.
i feel like i'm back at my old job. i feel like that in the group there is a heirarchy, that there is a boss that everything has to be passed through and approved of. i feel like i'm competing with people.
i know i have talents. i know i'm a smart person. i know that i have the skills to do more than what i'm doing in the group. but because i feel like i've got a boss i'm constantly watching myself, making sure that i'm doing things right in that person's mind so maybe i'd have a chance at doing other things. because of that i'm not relaxed, i don't feel comfortable, i can't sit back and let my natural instincts kick in... instincts that i know for a fact will carry me through to get any job done well and right.
when i was boating and i let my mind get in the way i didn't succeed, but when i let my body feel its way through things, when i let my mind flow free without the intrusion of fear or the need to get something right-- it all went well. in school when i went with my gut, when my mind was free-- again, of fear and the seeking to get something right-- i always got an A on the project and enjoyed doing the work immensley. but when i was seeking out the approval of my professor, when i i was fearful of getting it wrong, i didn't enjoy what i was doing.. and in the end i most always got it wrong.
right now with the work i'm doing i don't feel like i can make a mistake.. i'm constantly feeling like i can get things wrong. and the same thing is happening. on the last day at the capitol i didn't have that fear, i didn't have anyone watching over my shoulder-- i had people working with me... my fear was gone and the calls i made were the right ones. maybe not the ones this boss would have made, but they were still effective. my mind was free....
i'm dedicated to this cause. i'm dedicated to this cause because i think about the detainees. i'm dedicated to this cause because even though a mass genocide won't happen here, the fact that we have people who have dissappeared is enough to bring back thoughts of the many stories from the holocaust and i simply cannot allow that to happen. i've been reading stories of the rescuers.. and i've wondered if i'd place my life on the line to save someone else, to save a stranger.... my thoughts have now gone too-- will i place my name on the line, will i put myself in jepordy of being arrested because of my dissent, and though as fearful as it sounds, as much as i know that my emotional situation isn't so stable, i know that i would have too if things got to that point.
but. i need to get out from under this cloak of having a boss.. i need to be able to be confident.. i need to allow my mind to move freely, to know that i can make mistakes as i develop new skills and still be able to move forward.
on that note, i need to get my new blog design up. it really is more me than this is.
posted by brooke at 6:48 PM
(0) comments
Saturday, September 6
i have a new design for my blog! i just have to get it implemented on my site. i was going to work on it tonight.... but.
i went out drinking with some friends from the lcbordc. great! till... i told lawyerman i was interested, that if he asked me out on a date i'd go with him..... even if i were sober.
a) i think lawyerman thinks of me as a younger friend. b) i made a total fool of myself and am going to be way embarrassed at the next meeting. i just hope he forgets it happened and i'll go on with my life. dateless and lonely. and way embarrassed because i've totally forgotten how to do the whole dating thing. i feel like i'm back as an undergrad!
*agh*
posted by brooke at 11:23 PM
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Friday, September 5
what a day! i didn't get to sleep till about 4.30am. at 8.30am i got a call from hope. i'm going to washington, dc. to the national conference. to pay for 5 of us to go will wipe out the lcbordc bank account, but she wants us to go. so, i got my scholarship form written up fast-- to help cover the cost of tuition-- and put my registration in the mail. if i don't get a scholarship i can still afford it. i've committed. i'll put some money aside. i can't believe she did that.
*and* 3 of us are going to stay in dc for an extra day, flying out at 5.15, so we can hit the sites. i'm going to have to talk to my companions, but for 10 years i've been wanting to go to the united states holocaust memorial museum. every time i go home i consider going up to dc *just* to go to the museum. *and* they are going to have an anne frank exhibit-- with parts of her actual diary. i've been a student of the holocaust for 20 years. the holocaust is one reason why i do the work with the lcbordc. so, i'm going to talk to my mates-- maybe they'd be up for going to museums i've been too and i'll head to the holocaust museum. i hope so, because i really really want to go. i've considered going to poland to tour the camps.. i can't explain it. i've read so many heroic stories, i've read so many amazing stories. i've read so many stories that i would never want to repeat to anyone else ever again. i've even considered going back to school doing holocaust studies. and i can't explain why. anyhow, i'm sure if they know my passion, they'll be okay with it.
anyhow. i am soooooooo excited. i can't wait to meet others from around the country who have been doing this work. it will be so nice to hear THEIR war stories. it will be so nice to be face to face with allies from all over the country. this is going to be such an incredible experience. and i am so thrilled that hope did what she did this morning.
but first i must get through the lsat.
posted by brooke at 8:19 PM
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i'm up at 3.30am. i dont know why, i popped 1.5mg of xanax. i think i'll pop another 1/2. i want to sleep.
i got a huge compliment from hope, the woman who leads the lcbordc tonight. when i told her i wasn't going to the national conference because i want to save up my $$ and go to turkey for 2 weeks she was truly bummed, because she said she would miss my energy there. and she said she admires me. i'm simply blown away by that, because this is coming from a woman who is *the* leader in the state of oregon on the issues we deal with, and she's one of the leaders on a national scale too. and even if she weren't those things, i would still admire her as much as i do because of her true dedication and her seeming willingness to put all that she has and more into not only our cause, but many others too.
plus tonight when i was talking with her, i let my guard down just a little bit and told her that things were bad with me and my illness, far worse that i let on, and she wasn't put off. i told her thats why i wasn't getting things done for the lcobordc that i needed to get done and then i apologized for laying that on her, but her expression was one of kindness and compassion-- 2 things i so desperately crave.
so, my mind is all a flutter tonight. of many things. and i can't get it to shut down. maybe this last 1/2 of xanax will help. maybe this 80mg of strattera is not good for my system, it could be making me too wired.
posted by brooke at 3:44 AM
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Thursday, September 4
i've decided i don't like conspiracy theories. conspiracy theories and 9/11. i don't want to hear about them anymore. at one point i was friends with someone who personalized the event for me... i mean, being 3,000 miles away and being an activist and all that it was more of a political thing, because the day after bushy boy and his buddies were planning their killing spree. a day after ashy and viet already had in place their plans to get rid of our democracy. so, it was political.
but then it got personal. i got close to this person, and i saw the events from a different view. and while i still hold strong opinions about the bush regime's actions afterwards i just can't listen to the conspiracy theories. i believe that before and after 9/11 people looked toward's their government with extreme trust. i believe that the people i come into contact with about the conspiracy theories don't show any consideration towards the victims and the families of victims and how they might feel. and i don't want to believe that our government is responsible for such a horrible event. i can believe that my government and my country do things that make others mad and want to do such evil doings on our country, but i cannot and i refuse to believe that my government would cause so much pain on its own soil.
its a difficult line to walk. i question my government constantly, i protest against many of its actions.. i work towards changing the things i believe are wrong-- and there is a lot i believe is wrong. and so where on that line do i stop walking? where on that line towards questioning the acts of my government do i stop? there are times when i'm not exactly sure, because the step between the work i'm doing and the step into conspiracy theories is very likely a small one.
next week my group meets on 9/11. and we have some conspiracy theorists in our group. and while i don't want to quell freedom of speech, i do want them to respect that the day is a hard one for many. no, its not nearly as hard for me as it is for others but it will still be a day marked in my heart. and that person who is no longer my friend, she'll be in my thoughts because it was her that made the political a personal thing for me, which i am ever so grateful for. and i'll probably call my family and friends to check in with them to and to let them know i hope that they all have peace in their hearts. and i will continue to believe that my government has faults, but not the fault of 9/11.
posted by brooke at 11:29 PM
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i'm wanting to move this back over to rivervision, where it rightly belongs.. i want a new design, but so far nothing is coming to me. i'm not sure what to do.. i hope something decides on itself soon.
after talking to my closest advisors--- my ma, pa, dr. c -- i decided to spend the 108.00 and register for the lsat. yes, the lsat, as in law school.. this was even after i went over to a bookstore and looked through one of the books and attempted to answer 3 questions, all of which i got miserably wrong. but ma assures me that it will get easier with practice. and she also tells me there are lots of lawyers out there who are not nearly as intelligent as i am. so tommorrow i'll go purchase the book and start studying. taking as many practice tests as i can-- as advised by lawyerman. i'm also going to probably talk to lawyerman about some of the logic thinking they are testing for on the lsat... he's a good man and he and i get along well so i'm hoping he'll be able to give me an hour or so of his time to give me some advice.
i'm sick, again. yes, this lonliness has gotten me no where. i know i'm sick again when i read about the holocaust. i know i'm sick again when the person i need the most is dr. c. dr c. gets it all, she understands my life in ways that i never imagined a dr would. and we get along wonderfully. and i trust her. of the 4 schools i'm looking at for law school one is the u of oregon... and dr. c. is one reason. as a friend said to me, when you've got a serious illness its hard to trust doctors because of the bad news they give to you. well, i've found a dr. i totally click with and i'm reluctant to leave her.
so, the lsat. i'm terrified of taking it. the xanax that i take at night to deal with the anxiety makes me stupid. but i'm reluctant to get rid of it.. so i've a theory.. coffee during the day and xanax at night. i've got to be on my game while i'm studying and on october 4th, the day of the test. so, hopefully tommorrow i'll give it a try. then go pick up the book and head to the library to study.
but i'm lonely and sick. i hate this illness more than anything. it keeps kicking my ass.
on that note, the xanax is kicking in. no matter how hard i fight sleep, because its not my friend, i can't fight the xanax.
posted by brooke at 12:32 AM
(0) comments
Sunday, August 31
i am up late tonight. i have no reason not to be.. nothing to get up for in the morning. no one expecting me for anything. no one ever expecting me for anything.
i'm trying to figure out what is next in my life. do i go to law school? i have 3 days to make the decision about whether to take the lsat in october. i don't want any more debt. but law school costs a lot of money. but i want to make a difference and i watch our lawyer make such a difference in all the work he does for various causes. such a difference i could make. but i don't want any more debt.
i want a family. but no one is interested in dating me. no one is interested in going to dinner with me, a movie, tea, deep conversations with me. i have no idea what is wrong with me, except that i'm fat but i see lots of fat people in love, with families.
i'm trying to stay as involved with the lcbordc as possible, but so much of that work is solitary. and that is lonely, and depressing. its just like the job i left. except for our weekly meetings.
i want to see the world, i want to live in another country. i want to live in a culture other than my own because i want to see humanity through different colored glasses.
i want to not be where i am right now. i don't want my 4 cats, yet i love them all and don't want to live without them. their 4 little lives entrusted to my life. stories of their apprehensiveness when i'm gone from them.. what would they do if i left them and never came back to hold them like they like to be held?
my life is in an uncomfortable holding pattern. i can sense great change coming and i have no idea if its for the better or worse.
posted by brooke at 2:03 AM
(0) comments
Saturday, August 30
i still mourn my grandparents. i think of them more often now than i thought of them when they were alive. i'm watching tv and an image of an overturned urn appears and instantly i think about my grandmother and grandfather... its hard to imagine them in that state, to imagine them not here. 6 months past and there are times when i still can't believe that she's not here anymore, that she won't ever be here again. its death really. its permanent. and i worry about forgetting. and i look around and i see objects from their home and i can't believe that they are the objects of the dead. i wonder what i am doing with these things, and i have to admit it is a little creepy-- in that whole death thing. the owners of these objects will never come back to reclaim them. but i know, i will never forget them, and these objects, as they become more and more mine will always be theirs. and times i imagine that they are up there, around, i hope looking after me. at times i hope they knew that i did love them very much. at times i know that for as long as i am alive, my memory of them will live on, that as long as my brother and cousins and father and aunts and uncles are alive their memory will live on. but still its hard to believe that they aren't here anymore.
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