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wish i may
i might
make a wish upon a star tonight..
email.
me.
i'm brooke. a short, fatish, bisexual, feminist, pacifist, very-liberal activist. i have 4 cats. and 2 computers, 2 kayaks, 1 masters degree, multiple backpacks, and way too many books.
i live in the most beautiful eugene, oregon. i'm currently disabled due to treatment resistant severe depression. i've been blogging since election day of 2000.
i'm born and raised in the mountains of southwestern virginia. i could join the daughters of the american revolution, i don't think they'd like me cause i hear they like to throw tea parties instead of rallies and revolutions.
links.
lane co. bill of rights defense committee (lcbordc) ~
bill of rights defense committee ~
chel ~
lisa ~
carrie ~
cinnamon
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Sunday, September 7
it feels like its been a much longer day than it actually has been.
i've been thinking a lot about the work that i do with the lcbordc. i've had this familiar feeling for awhile about it, but it wasn't until the last couple of days that i have been able to peg it down.
i feel like i'm back at my old job. i feel like that in the group there is a heirarchy, that there is a boss that everything has to be passed through and approved of. i feel like i'm competing with people.
i know i have talents. i know i'm a smart person. i know that i have the skills to do more than what i'm doing in the group. but because i feel like i've got a boss i'm constantly watching myself, making sure that i'm doing things right in that person's mind so maybe i'd have a chance at doing other things. because of that i'm not relaxed, i don't feel comfortable, i can't sit back and let my natural instincts kick in... instincts that i know for a fact will carry me through to get any job done well and right.
when i was boating and i let my mind get in the way i didn't succeed, but when i let my body feel its way through things, when i let my mind flow free without the intrusion of fear or the need to get something right-- it all went well. in school when i went with my gut, when my mind was free-- again, of fear and the seeking to get something right-- i always got an A on the project and enjoyed doing the work immensley. but when i was seeking out the approval of my professor, when i i was fearful of getting it wrong, i didn't enjoy what i was doing.. and in the end i most always got it wrong.
right now with the work i'm doing i don't feel like i can make a mistake.. i'm constantly feeling like i can get things wrong. and the same thing is happening. on the last day at the capitol i didn't have that fear, i didn't have anyone watching over my shoulder-- i had people working with me... my fear was gone and the calls i made were the right ones. maybe not the ones this boss would have made, but they were still effective. my mind was free....
i'm dedicated to this cause. i'm dedicated to this cause because i think about the detainees. i'm dedicated to this cause because even though a mass genocide won't happen here, the fact that we have people who have dissappeared is enough to bring back thoughts of the many stories from the holocaust and i simply cannot allow that to happen. i've been reading stories of the rescuers.. and i've wondered if i'd place my life on the line to save someone else, to save a stranger.... my thoughts have now gone too-- will i place my name on the line, will i put myself in jepordy of being arrested because of my dissent, and though as fearful as it sounds, as much as i know that my emotional situation isn't so stable, i know that i would have too if things got to that point.
but. i need to get out from under this cloak of having a boss.. i need to be able to be confident.. i need to allow my mind to move freely, to know that i can make mistakes as i develop new skills and still be able to move forward.
on that note, i need to get my new blog design up. it really is more me than this is.
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