wish i may
i might
make a wish upon a star tonight..

Saturday, August 2
 
more lamenting on bad stuff..

have i mentioned that my credit rating absolutely sucks. worse than bankruptcy sucks. and each time i start to get a hold of all my debt i get another bill in the mail? the only hope my credit rating has is my car.. and that the payment is being made on time. i'm worrying so much tonight that i've popped 2 xanax and a zyprexa. at least i've never had a car repossessed or defaulted on my student loans. and i do pay my rent on time.

this having your life fall apart to the point mine did last june and then crawling from underneath the pieces to be able to look at all the pieces that have fallen down and apart and then finally starting to be in a position to start picking the pieces of a life that was held up by ?? for 10 years is incredibly difficult.

yes. picking up the pieces is where i am right now. finally looking at going back to work, finally starting to attempt to be an adult and pay off my debt, finally looking at my body and wanting it back. as i do all of this, move about in daily life, i sometimes sit back and really look at how my life was only being held together only by ?? for so long and i really realize that last june it really did implode on itself.. the implosion started in march of last year.. i guess it hasn't been until i got here, picking the pieces up, that i've really realized how much my life was held together by a miracle.

i had a life plan for a long time. and right now is the time that its supposed to be kicking into high gear. i never expected to be in this spot. no, i don't think anyone ever expects to be in a spot such as mine.

to keep my sanity i pop xanax every night. yes, xanax is MY bestest friend. i also remind myself that yes, i have been very sick. and though illness isn't an excuse and many people survive and thrive with illnesses far worse than mine, it does give me pause, it allows me some leeway. it tells me that maybe i'm not the failure i would like to believe i am 99% of the time. and reminding myself that i have been very sick for a very long time gives me hope, that yes-- though it will happen much later than i would like- i might very well be able to have the life i want so much. that as i'm getting better i am surviving and starting to thrive. and there have been times that my survival has been in doubt.

so. i'm lamenting. and a week with people that you don't know very well leads me to that. and i'm in this house all by myself tonight. my stepsisters are out at steppin' out and for the first time in a week i am nearly all by myself. and its nice, except for the extreme anxiety. and though i worry about the money i might spend- i really am looking forward to my visit to see the dear perry and marsha.

and i'm grateful to my aunt too. i visited my ma's ma's grave on thursday. we stopped by michaels and my mother let *me* pick out the silk flowers to put in the vase at her grave. i picked out a red and yellow-- she liked those colors-- and a purple-- i wanted her to know i had been there. we went and i cleaned the vase off and i sat and had sometime. i didn't take a picture, but i've got it in my mind. and then when i got home tonight my aunt had sent pictures of my father's parent's grave and headstone (their ashes were interred 3 weeks ago.. and when the picture was taken my grandmother's birth - death years obviously hadn't been noted (she died on 22 feb of 2003)), so i got to visit their grave too, thanks to susie.

okay. hopefully these drugs will kick in soon.