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wish i may
i might
make a wish upon a star tonight..
email.
me.
i'm brooke. a short, fatish, bisexual, feminist, pacifist, very-liberal activist. i have 4 cats. and 2 computers, 2 kayaks, 1 masters degree, multiple backpacks, and way too many books.
i live in the most beautiful eugene, oregon. i'm currently disabled due to treatment resistant severe depression. i've been blogging since election day of 2000.
i'm born and raised in the mountains of southwestern virginia. i could join the daughters of the american revolution, i don't think they'd like me cause i hear they like to throw tea parties instead of rallies and revolutions.
links.
lane co. bill of rights defense committee (lcbordc) ~
bill of rights defense committee ~
chel ~
lisa ~
carrie ~
cinnamon
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Monday, June 30
i spent part of sunday with my stepsisters and stepfather up in corvallis. it gave me a window into what the week at nags head might be like. i felt like an outsider. i knew i was an outsider into a family that isnt mine. i felt less like a member of the family and more like a distant friend visiting. i dont think i want to spend a week with people that i feel like that with. i miss swimming in the ocean more than i even know, but i can continue to live without it if i am spared a week of incredible stress, a week under a tremendous amount of uncomfort.
yes, i own it, its mine, this uncomfort. 2 couples of my generation each in love, each in their own homes, one couple of the generation before me, one 11 year younger stepping towards her future. i am stagnat, my dreams stopped in their tracks. im comfortable out here in eugene, its very womb like in this citytown that i live in. a lot of people say that. i have this very protected life here, 3000 physical miles away from those back east and a seeming world away from those who live so close. its safe. my past comes out as i please, not as it pleases. no, im not saying i dont love them back there, but im not yet ready to come out of my womb, out of my chyrsallis. my metamorphosis, well, im not sure if it has even started, i have only just built the cocoon and i know its not good to open them- you have to wait till the being inside is ready to come out on its own.
people will say theyll miss me. my mother will stawartly say that its my choice as to whether to come. no, mom wont say anything about how much she wishes i would come, that she would really miss me, that me being there would be of value to her- the things i wish so much she would say. instead she will send me off to my room as this new conflict of mine arises.
i watch as my life takes its course. i watch as i circle the edges of the families of choice and birth that i interact with. yes, i am just a voyer into so many families. i crave to be an integreal part of a family. yet another reason not to go back east. the periphery. again, my own damage, again, i own it. and maybe one day i will be able to handle the stress of the lack of my own family at the age of 30, 35, 40. but this month, 3 weeks from now, can i honestly look at this family week and know for sure that it will be the vacation i want to spend?
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