wish i may
i might
make a wish upon a star tonight..

Thursday, May 22
 
there are times when i still can't believe that my grandmother is gone. she died on 22 february, the day i participated in the yachats baring witness action, the day before my 30th birthday. she died at night. my father called me at 5am on my birthday to tell me that he was on the road, headed to charleston.. he was headed back to charleston. he'd been there because she'd been sick.. something i didn't know until the night she died. that day dad had forwarded me a bunch of emails my aunt had been sending out.

my grandmother is my name sake. i am mary brooke, she was mary draper. i have been brooke all my life, she was dede all her life. i don't know why she was dede, but the pictures from when she was a kid have dede on them.

i walk around my apartment and find things, envelopes, lots of them. she liked to send letters. its hard to believe that i'll never ever get an envelope from her again. i used to take them for granted, now i try to keep them as i find them in piles of mail. i was lucky, on my birthday this year i found the birthday card she sent me last year.

this summer i am headed back east for a family vacation. my mother has told me she'll take me to my other grandmother's grave. its often hard to believe that she's gone too, but her death wasn't so sudden. and her husband is still alive, so its almost like she's still around.

anyhow, its late. my illness has kicked in pretty big time. i hate this illness. people probably think i'm feeling sorry for myself, but those who truly understand know that i'm not. i didn't go to a meeting of the lane county bill of rights committee that met this evening.. i'm letting things falter with the final things for baring witness. and just think the other day i was thinking about attempting to go back to work. i'm so sick of all this, i might very well call my doc tommorrow, see if i can get in to see her, talk to her about drugs-- even though they don't really work.. i need some relief, some help, maybe one that i've been on before will at least take the kick out of all this, help me get at least the small things that i need to get done done. its been so beautiful outside and i'm missing it. i'm missing good opportunities to go swimming. i can't do this alone anymore.

anyhow, on a final note.. its my dear friend r's birthday on the 23rd. he's 50. he's not here, he's at the kerrville folk fest (i'm jealous!).. we'll celebrate soon. he doesn't read this, but i'll send this energy out: i love you r, so wonderful, kind, honest, gentle, sweet, imperfect... esp. these last few months getting to know you better, our outings to that place near the mountains have been so special to me. happy birthday my dear.